Use these scientific findings to master human interactions.
Humans can learn anything; the speed and the spectrum vary on how much someone can improve.
It depends on their starting point, how hard they work, and an element of innate skill or talent.
For example, an overweight 5 5″ male wanting to become a basketball player must work much harder than a 6 4″ fit male with the same goal.
Some people are naturally charismatic and confident at building new relationships. You might see them as having superpowers if you have been feeling awkward almost all your life. But these are skills you can learn — if you are willing.
Behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards founded a research lab, the Science of People. She went from being a self-described recovered awkward person, who avoided people, to writing the book Captivate: the Science of Succeeding with People and traveling the world, sharing her findings with Fortune 500 companies, universities, and media outlets such as the Today Show and Wall Street Journal.
Her research presents behavioral hacking strategies based on study findings she tested in the field.
If you feel you lack confidence and charisma, avoid public spaces, or fail at connecting with others, know you can make improvements. Begin with my favorite seven practical psychological hacks from Van Edwards’ research.
Hack #1: Design a social Game Plan
Succeeding with people is about engineering what works for you. We all start somewhere different.
Start by designing a social game plan by identifying your “thrive locations” (the places where you are at your best), knowing your team, and having a strategy to work the room.
Instead of jumping straight to new places and judging your people skills, begin in the areas where you already enjoy, and feel comfortable, spending time with other people.
Going to a busy event alone can be hard, even for the most confident person. You can improve by learning from other people’s strengths and by having someone by your side.
Hack #2: The Triple Threats
Most people form their first impression of someone within a few seconds and — often — they won’t change it.
The secret to making a great first impression relies as much on body language as what we say. Use the triple threat (below) to keep your approach simple.
(1) Use your hands — and make them visible and welcoming. For evolutionary reasons, it can help build trust because people may associate hidden hands with hidden weapons.
(2) Consider your posture. We are naturally drawn to be around confident people. Confident people tend to occupy a bigger physical space; relax your posture and take more room.
(3) Make eye contact. As the saying goes: “eyes are the mirror to the soul.” Maintaining warm and natural eye contact can build connections; it stimulates the human bonding hormone oxytocin production, helping to maintain positive feelings.
Hack #3: Be A Highlighter
Shift your focus from wanting to sound interesting to becoming interested.
Listen deeply to people and highlight their strengths. It’s not a coincidence that salespeople ask a lot of questions. The person asking questions is the person in charge of the conversation.
Find out the good in people and rave (sincerely) about their accomplishments and uniqueness.
Make yourself memorable by getting curious about others. You will stand out because most people listen to talk.
Hack #4: Thread Theory
People want to relate to others; they may feel drawn to groups and individuals with similarities. It’s called the similarities-attraction effect.
One effective way I connected with successful entrepreneurs was to look for shared values.
Also, most of my close friends are people with similar interests. We connected because of our passion for a specific activity or topic.
When you meet a new person, put your detective hat on and begin to build a clear picture of their values, beliefs, and interests.
Follow threads of similarities and use conversation follow-ups starting with “me too” or “teach me.” It shows your curiosity and interest.
Hack #5: Be A Decoder
It’s wise to understand a person’s emotional state before addressing them. Learn to decode their facial micro-expressions to better understand the intentions behind their words and behavior.
Obviously your response to a person who is angry should differ from your response to someone who is going through a sad or worrying time.
The more you can learn about others — and yourself — the better placed you will be to handle conflict and work out the right way to respond to certain situations.
Hack #5: The Franklin Effect
The Benjamin Franklin effect is counterintuitive. It suggests people will connect with you more after doing a favor for you. You can use this to your favor.
Don’t be afraid to ask people for help and advice. Open up to others about your weakness and let them share their point of view.
Hack #6: Attunement
This one is obvious. Attunement is the process by which we form relationships. Make people feel wanted!
Early self-improvement guru Dale Carnegie’s classic book “How To Win Friends and Influence People”, refers to how dogs are always happy to see people. They rarely fail to greet people with excitement.